What's in (gulp) John's Refrigerator

It is often said that the best should be saved for last.   For those keeping track, we previously dissected and critiqued the organized chaos within

my mom's


my sister's

refrigerator.  Now, it is my fridge which gets subjected to needlessly embarrassing e-scrutiny.  A quick primer: Despite my unconditional love for food, refrigerators freak me out slightly.   While their record as the world's appliance champ for keeping food fresh and instantly edible is undisputed, their vast space to accommodate goods that are new/old, "fresh"/partially eaten, spicy/sour, seems to more often than not yield suspicious smells that even Tony Montana's nostrils could pick up on.  Seriously, every time my office manager blasts out a firm-wide email for the would-be guilty party to throw out their 4-day old sandwich, I stop drinking coffee (the milk for which is located in the office fridge) for a couple of days until the toxic fumes subside.  In light of the foregoing - I subscribe to three general rules -


Unfinished foods are only allowed a stay of three days,


milk should be consumed prior to the expiration date,


uncapped beer is its own animal.  Also, with respect to the freezer,

I have one rule: there are no rules.

So, in consideration of this, let's take a peek:

(1) Victoria Marinated Artichoke Hearts

- Of the jarred artichoke hearts, these guys are best.  They are a great side to have during the week, when there is a shortage of time to cook.  Also, they are consumed within the parameters of rule 1.

(2) BelGioso Parmesan Cheese

- I made pizza over the weekend, and sprinkled this stuff onto same after removing it from the oven.  It melted before my eyes and gave portions of the crust a nice taste.

(3) Gosling's Ginger Beer

- The lone remnant of a night filled with

Dark N' Stormies.

(4)  Bottle of Corona

- starring as, itself.

(5) Tuscan Fat Free Milk

- The milk is now gone.  It was finished within its expiration date of February 28.

(6) Teryaki Sauce

- I will often cook up some chicken or steak.  This gets applied.

(7) Brita water jug

- One of my former roommates from my old apartment left me this.  It's extremely handy. Thanks, Doug.

(8) Two unopened bottles of Tonic Water

- Used for gin or vodka tonics.  Old, less than perfectly crisp tonic water is grossly unacceptable.

(9) Greenway Natural Ground Beef

- For burgers, which I make for myself once every week or two.  I have perfected the medium rare burger.  I sprinkle both sides with garlic powder which gives it a snapping crust after searing it in a pan.  But then I throw the rest out.  I don't freeze burger meat.  It loses its flavor.  Trust me.

(10) 12-pack of Corona light

- with no beers left in it.  It just sits there, making it seem like I have beer while I actually don't.  I have reached into this box at least three times in the past week searching for that last beer which is never there.  (I've since thrown it out and replaced it with new beer).

(11) Heineken Mini keg

- I opened this thing a week ago and the beer still has a perfect amount of carbonation.

(12) Ted Williams' head.

Psyche.  It's a black bag of ice.  I have no ice machine, so I need to buy ice every so often from the corner store.

(13) Cold Stone Creamery Ice Cream

- I don't even like this ice cream.  Someone brought it over during last year's Lost Finale and they were left unfinished.  I have since just left them there as commemorative tombstones to signify how I was treated by the show's writers: my expectations and questions, left frozen in time.  Forever.

(14) A bottle of Svedka Vodka

- to be teamed with the Tonic.

(15) Unused Pizza Dough

- set aside for a rainy day.

(16) Salted Land-O-Lakes butter

- the best tasting butter for your grilled cheese sandwich.

(17) Soy Sauce

- I use this when making things of the stir fry variety.

Like the vintage encyclopedia Britannicas? I love seeing people's reactions upon opening the door.  It's priceless and functions as a wonderful gauge as to one's character.  So, that's it folks.  Sorry to those who were expecting some more scandalous details but, unlike mom and sis, I keep my icebox pretty tidy.  Those slobs!